Monday, March 5

i'm here. finally.

Note: written in March of 2012.

I made the following comment recently to a girlfriend of mine:

"My God, I feel like my life has turned into a Lifetime movie."

"Well it sure ain't Hallmark" she replied.

I laughed. And laughed.

Because it was funny...

Gads, she's spot on.


Sadly, there isn't much else though that would better sum up the past ten-plus months of my life.  (Lost? Click here.)

And at this very moment nothing feels better than to be sitting at my laptop, fingers brushing keys, settling into not only the comfort of my couch but the welcome familiarity of words, expression, and the pouring out of my soul.

And doing so in a manner that doesn't involve my attorney's name and expletive-flowered emails regarding the protection and well-being of myself and my children.

Because that gets old. Especially after so many months of it on an almost daily basis. Divorce really does just suck. There's no way around that time-tested, god-forsaken truth.

So where do I even begin?

As my mom would tell me : Here. Be here.

Here. Where I am now.

The warmth of the smooth keys under my fingertips. The taste of orange juice, cold on my lips. The airplane overhead. Sara Bareilles softly playing from my iphone. The lights on, the fan slowly stirring the sweet scent of orchids from their place in the vase. In my very own home.

And me. Breathing. Freely. In a place of zen, a place of peace, a place open to pondering where my life is headed, a place safe enough to unfold my dreams and build upon their encouraging platform.

In a place I created.

For me and my children.

And no one else.

Because what began in early 2011 with the heartbreaking decision to tell my then-husband that I felt it best we go our separate ways turned into an unraveling of a fifteen-year facade and the eventual realization that the man who agreed we would remain amicable and want the best for one another was intentionally set on ensuring I went down in flames.

It’s terrifying to be faced with life-negating behavior directed at you when you still live together. It's fraying to the soul to live each day in the same house and still try to shield your children from the explosive ending of the relationship. It's unnerving and unsettling to live amidst that while trying to pave a path for what's to become what feels like your escape. To both of us.

As I said, divorce sucks. People turn uglier than one could ever imagine, life feels utterly raw, like you're bleeding nonstop, and through it all, you have to keep moving forward for your kids sake, if not for your own.

As the puzzling pieces fall from the facade worn by the man I believed I'd share my entire life with, what's left is the horrifying realization that he's held this ill-intent toward me since day one for unwittingly falling short of expectations.

But I'm here. Now. In my own home.


Here. Safe in a haven I created. For me and for my children.

What I found along the way to this safe haven is strength, passion, and courage I didn't know existed within ME.

Not within him.

But within me.

And it carried me. Here. For me, for my kids.

Because I found a renewed faith in my worth. And my children are beyond worth teaching that to over and over again with unabashed love and reckless abandon.

After the last what feels like so many millions of months - fuck Lifetime.

I deserve a whole damn major motion picture.

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