Well, well, well.
Not sure if I’m saying that to you or to me.
But welcome back. In that Simon Pegg/Nick Frost raising a toast with a wink and a nod kind of “welcome back”.
Let's get started, shall we?
Wait. Wait. <finishing my beer... we were toasting, right?!>
I have noticed that one of the newer trends in personal growth is not Simon Pegg/Nick Frost "let's have a beer to mark the occasion" goodness. (Though it should be but may not be appropriate since I'm sitting in the library at the moment...) Instead it is "living with intention"; like actually meaning to go through life with some sort of force rather than a never-ending monotonous routine peppered with spontaneous moments.
You know, because just living isn’t enough. You have to intently live. Or you’re not living. It's a new trend. All the rage.
Take my word for it. Because I’m living. And trendy.
Shut up. I am.
As much as can be when your definition of high-end fashion consists of the clearance rack at Target… ($12 riding boots bitches!!!)
That cat out of the bag, I’ve decided that this year isn’t going to be like previous years.
Because previous years all I’ve done is survive. And I’m done surviving. (Though not in the Cornetto trilogy type of way. I could handle their idea of survival being that it involves scads amounts of beer, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost and usually a healthy dose of gore-splattered humor.)
This year I want to thrive.
And I want all that it entails.
You see, for the last few years I actually have been choosing a theme word for each year. I was inspired by one of my foremost artistic and life-giving inspirations Kelly Rae Roberts in her blog about choosing to live with intention in order to lead a more fulfilling life.
Because, as an artist, a fuller, deeper, constantly evolving meaning is what we strive for. It’s an unrelenting drive to create this for ourselves.
Life gets in the way though. For all of us, artists or not.
The words I chose over the last three years have been Freedom (2011), Heal (2012) and Brave (2013). While I did choose those words, I have to admit that I did not live with daily dedicated intention to fulfill them. They were my desires, and for the most part, I achieved many good things towards those desires; divorce, ambition, recovery, risks, and sanctuaries. I certainly had powerfully freeing, healing, and brave moments over the last three years.
|Brave tattoo inspired by my writing and my seven year-old daughter's drawing.|
However, I wasn’t really letting go of what I needed to in order to fully embrace what truths lay in waiting for me.
My heart and soul were surrounded by fears that I needed to let go of : the fear of the unknown, the fear of the uncertainties found in the adventure of discovering one’s self. I held closely to the paralyzing fear of my anxiety disorders. I chose to work on things that caused the least amount of uncovering, bleeding, and (ultimately) healing and scarring. Beautiful scarring.
Instead, I intentionally chose to continue to survive. Easy and simple enough while at the same time being one of the most limiting states to live in.
It got me through every moment in my life up to this point. And maybe that’s where I needed to be because it got me here.
To today. To this moment where I step off the edge again and open my soul to the world.
Bare and naked and vulnerable to truly living. And wanting to share it with the world so that anyone else suffocating under anxiety and fear and paralysis has a hand to hold to truly live to.
It’s from here that I intend to do just that.
I intend to thrive.
Thriving isn’t surviving. No, thriving is so much more. It’s living in the moment, it’s being present, it’s proactively moving forward toward greatness. It’s changing for the better, it’s embracing everything that I am here and now and working positively with that.It’s taking the missed intentions of the last three years - freedom, healing, bravery – and packing them into the little suitcase in my heart to become a permanent part of me. It’s looking at myself in the mirror and saying “yes, I have paralyzing anxiety and depression and wrinkles and cellulite and crickets in my bank account (who doesn’t?!) and I want to run out the door screaming but wait... deep breath... I also have strength and humor and insane creativity and drive and unconditional support…”
So suck it fear.
Yes, you fear.
Raising that cold, frothy beer to you with a wink and a nod.
I intend to thrive.
|Trust Love. 16 X 20 acrylic & mixed media on canvas. Heather Ercse-Spence original.|
See you soon, lovies.