Monday, March 5

i'm here. finally.

I made the following comment recently to a girlfriend of mine:
"My God, I feel like my life has turned into a Lifetime movie."

"Well it sure ain't Hallmark" was her response.

I laughed. And laughed.

Because it was funny...

Gads, she's spot on.

Fuck.

Sadly, there isn't much else though that would better sum up the past ten-plus months of my life.  (Lost? Click here.)

And at this very moment nothing feels better than to be sitting at my laptop, fingers brushing keys, settling into not only the comfort of my couch but the welcome familiarity of words, expression, and the pouring out of my soul.

And doing so in a manner that doesn't involve my attorney's name and expletive-flowered emails regarding the protection and well-being of myself and my children.

Because that gets old. Especially after ten months of it on an almost daily basis.

So where do I even begin?

As my mom would tell me : Here. Be here.

Here. Where I am now.

The warmth of the smooth keys under my fingertips. The taste of orange juice, cold on my lips. The airplane overhead. Sara Bareilles softly playing from my iphone. The lights on, the fan slowly stirring the sweet scent of orchids from their place in the vase.

And me. Breathing. Freely.In a place of zen, a place of peace, a place open to pondering where my life is headed, a place safe enough to unfold my dreams and build upon their encouraging platform.

In a place I created.

For me and my children.

And no one else.

Because what began on April 24th, 2011 with the heartbreaking decision to tell my husband that I wanted a divorce turned into an unraveling of a fifteen-year facade and the eventual realization that the man who agreed we would remain amicable and want the best for one another was intentionally set on ensuring I went down in flames with little regard to his children becoming casualties of his ill-will.

It’s terrifying to be faced with that life-negating behavior directed at you when you still live together. It's fraying to the soul to live each day in the same house with him and still try to shield your children from the explosive ending of the relationship. It's unnerving and unsettling to live amidst that while trying to pave a path for what's to become your escape.


And as the puzzle pieces fall together from the facade worn by the man you believed you'd share your entire life with, what's left is the horrifying realization that he's held this ill-intent toward you since day one for falling short of his narcissitic expectations.

But I'm here. Now.

Breathe.

Here. Safe in a haven I created. For me and for my children.

And what I found along the way to this safe haven is strength, passion, and courage I didn't know existed within ME. Not within him, not within his relentless ability to violate boundaries, not within his narcissistic bullying, not within his choices to repeatedly break commitments to his children.

But within me.

And it carried me. Here. For me, for my kids.

Because I'm worth it. And my children are beyond worth teaching that to over and over again with unabashed love and reckless abandon.

After the last ten-plus months - fuck Lifetime.

I deserve a whole damn movie.
 

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