What follows is a recent letter to the "man" that I've been married to for over 12 years, that I've been with for over 15 years, and that I once thought I'd share the rest of my life with.
This, for starters, isn't what "happily ever after" looks like.
I’m angry. I’m beyond angry. I’m infuriated, in disbelief, disgusted, shocked. And, at this point, seething.
Husband, I don’t understand how anyone could do what you did. I get problems in a relationship. I get that there are things every person does in a relationship that adversely affects the other. But this. This is not a problem that is “just a part of life”. An affair – at least THREE of them that you’re willing to admit to ONLY because you got caught – affairs are not “events” that “just happen” to a marriage. It’s a deliberate act. It’s an intentional betrayal of vows. It’s a willingness to throw a significant other into the flames and sit idly by while they burn.
And it’s what you did, Husband. It’s what you explicitly chose to do repeatedly without any regard to me – ME – the one you made vows to, the one you “promised to love/cherish/forsake all others for”, the one you treated like shit but gave enough lip service over and over again to make me think that you really didn’t mean to treat me so badly – you know, YOUR WIFE.
It has been brought up several times between us and in Therapist’s office that your behavior toward me has always taken the tone and intention of punishing me. You yourself have said that was a fair assessment of your treatment of me. I continue to bring it up because you continue to punish me. When I express that I’m hurt and angry over the affairs and your reckless and narcissistic behavior, you simply say that you’re “sorry”. How could you possibly be sorry when you continue to punish me?! I’m the one sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor, I’m the one forced out of my own financial accounts, I’m the one forced to get a job after making an agreement WITH YOU regarding raising the children and staying home while you worked – an agreement that I KEPT and YOU INTENTIONALLY BROKE, I’m the one encouraged by the police to leave the house after YOU went on a borderline psychotic rampage in front of our daughter about YOUR needs, I’m the one forced out of a day of celebration with my own daughter for her dance recital because you don’t have the strength, courage, will – the CHARACTER – to stand up to your family.
When I first explicitly stated to you that I was done with trying to get you to engage in our relationship and take an invested interest in our marriage and subsequently that I wanted a divorce, you ran crying to everyone, “how could she destroy a family? How could she turn her back on a marriage?” Really, Husband? How exactly do you justify that? I spent 12 years trying to fix a relationship with a narcissistic pathological liar who would do anything to look like the “good guy”, the “hero”, the “good Christian husband” all while WILLINGLY flinging aside respect, devotion, loyalty, VOWS BEFORE GOD just to get what YOU want. You, Husband, single-handedly destroyed this marriage. You, Husband, INTENTIONALLY turned your back on this marriage time and time again.
Only took eight of those twelve year before I began to realize that our “relationship” wasn’t a marriage. It wasn’t anywhere near “happily ever after” and that you had no intention of EVER creating such with me. Your only intention was fulfilling your own delusional fairy tale where you get everything you want.
I get it, Husband.
But do you get it?
I will never desire to be considered your wife. I will never desire to be associated with you as a friend, a relative, a colleague. I will never desire any part of you and I will never want any part of you to touch me. I will never want you to be a part of my life. I want nothing to do with you.
I’m angry. I’m infuriated, in disbelief, disgusted, shocked. And, at this point, seething.
And I’m done.